First Year.

Here I am in my third year of teaching telling myself I am actually doing it. Some days I look back and wonder how I even made it this far, which in reality is not that far, but this isn’t about comparison. It’s about growth.

My first year was – well hell. Like any first year teacher, I had no idea what I was doing. On top of that, I did not feel like I was being supported. I was a few years out of college and eager to learn and grow, but I was quickly thrown into the lion’s den – as with any job. 

I was hired just two weeks before school started. I had no supplies or decorations. Thankfully, my parents quickly bought me tons of classroom necessities to help get me started. I was so excited and overjoyed with my new classroom and career. My dream to be a teacher despite my obstacles – more on that another day – was about to become a reality. That perfect dream quickly came crashing down. Those first few weeks everything seemed to move at an alarming rate. I was here and there and everywhere at any given moment.

I am a quiet, reserved person, and classroom management is not my strong suit. That quickly showed. I do not yell at my students, and will not due to the fact that I will not want from my own children’s teachers.

The year started, and my classroom was filled with 23 little cuties who all happened to enroll way after enrollment ended, which showed in the environment right away. I teach at a well to do school in a very well off community, so I was not expecting some of the difficulties that I got. On Meet the Teacher night, I met all of my students and their parents. I was nervous, excited, uneasy, anxious, and so much more. I am sure the parents were just as nervous to have a first year teacher as I was to be a first year teacher, but hey we all have to start somewhere. Little did I know, not everyone sees things that way. 

Right away, I was hit hard with critiques and doubts. I tried my best, but my best seemed to not be good enough. I cannot tell you how many times I was pulled into the principal’s office because my classroom management was not up to par. With every meeting, I asked what I need to do to be better, and I was always told to simply improve. What concrete steps do I need to take? “You need to get better.” “You need to wear makeup.” “You need to wear your hair down everyday.” None of these were things I needed to hear. Also, you are technically not allowed to tell a person how to do their hair and makeup, but that was never put into writing, so I had no proof. I was lost. I felt helpless. At one point in the early year, my mom came to visit my classroom and graciously tested all of my students on their letters and sounds – a kindergarten standard. At this point, I had monthly meetings with my principal, and I brought this data to my principal and she was pleased. She told me I was working hard and improving. The thing was I did not change ANYTHING. I simply kept teaching how I was teaching. When they first had their issue with me they told me the students were not learning, but they never brought forth any data to prove they weren’t learning. So my plan was to SHOW THEM! That may not have been the best idea, but it gave me the courage to start. I cried almost every night that first year – as I am sure many first year teachers do, but hopefully for not the same reasons I did. Luckily, every month when I had my meeting with the principal she was more pleased.

The first week of school, the teacher whose classroom I took over showed up to helped guide me. She was old and sweet. The other teachers bothered her all week to get the juice on how I was as a teacher. Thankfully she was kind and told them of my good work. 

Back to the students, one boy told his parents lies to the point where I had to have a sit down meeting with both parents and the principal. I brought in all of my data on the student, and the parents were shocked at his laziness with all his class work. At the end of the meeting they still wanted him moved from my classroom, and the principal later called them out on that. The principal soon learned that this situation was not on me but the parents, so she agreed to move him to a different classroom. He ended up having the same issues with his first grade teacher – but that’s not my story. Sometimes the principal seemed to like me, but other times I felt the exact opposite. I wasn’t sure who I could trust and who I needed to avoid in fear that they would rat me out for not knowing something.

These little irks that that principal found in me beat me down. It felt I was being beaten up, and when I was ready to get up I was slammed down again. Only I never let it keep me down. I kept getting up. 

Now let’s talk about my observations. Those were not so good. I was not passing or rising to the top. I was falling. I felt like a complete failure every time I opened up my teacher observation results. I cried and cried. My heart was in it, but maybe this job just wasn’t for me. Because if it was for me wouldn’t I be succeeding? Wouldn’t I be making it? 

There were a few people along the way who encouraged me. I had one friend in school, whom they also disliked because she wasn’t the norm to them either. I had one friend at another school who angelically gave me tons of kindergarten resources because she knew I wasn’t being treated fairly and she wanted to support me. I cried knowing I barely had anyone who was on my team, which is crazy because the entire kindergarten team consisted of 11 teachers. Sure my family, friends, and husband always had my back, but you also need support in the workplace. Everyone needs those people who will encourage you and build you up. Everyone also needs those people who will set you straight when you need it, but seeing that my only friend was also disliked, we were not getting that support. What’s worse, everyone on our team basically shunned us. I cannot tell you how many times I was laughed at, belittled, scowled at, and all because I was new and not their norm. They acted like I was supposed to be on their level, but they never gave me the stepping stones or supports to reach that level. To this day, they still have not. 

One day, towards the end of the year, I had had it. I wrote a letter and went to the principal. I told her how I didn’t feel supported and how I didn’t feel like that made me as successful as I should have felt. I did this because I didn’t want the same thing that happened to me to happen to another teacher. She told me I should not be babied – which was not what I was asking for, I was asking to be guided as a newcomer. She did, though, tell me how proud she was that I was sticking up for myself. She might not agree with me, but she did notice a change in me. 

At the end of the year, I was given a contract for the following year. I was elated, but nervous because I knew they still had their hesitations about me. My dream was to be a teacher. My dream IS to be a teacher. To guide the young minds and fill their hearts and souls with adventure and joy. Teaching them to read and write is just a small piece of the journey to me.

That year I left defeated, but strengthen to come back the next year and continue rising. I will not let the unbelievers bring me down forever. They may for a moment, but I am stronger than they believe and I will continue doing what I was called to do in each season. And in this season, it is teaching kindergarten.