As I sit here and type this I am counting down my final 26 days left at my current school/job. To say I am excited would be a huge understatement. I have been thrown in what seems like every direction, but the fact is I am still standing and still pursuing what I love – and that is leading children, while learning from them at the same time.
Four years ago, I walked into my first day of kindergarten again, but this time as a teacher. I did it! I was elated. My dreams were finally coming true. Everything I had envisioned and worked hard for in college was coming to pass.
Speaking of college, I almost didn’t make it. I had a professor my junior and senior year who didn’t like me and gave me my first ever C’s and D’s on all my essays/reports simply because she decided I was not good enough to be a teacher. She actually turned most of the other professors against me and got them to believe the same thing. I ended up graduating with honors (despite the bad grades in her classes ONLY), I am now finishing up my fourth year teaching, and started a blog a year ago. That goes to show that people cannot choose your path – only you can.
Now back to my story.
I got my first “adult” job as a kindergarten teacher. My dream.
I soon found out it was not all I had imagined it would be.
During my first two years, I cried almost every single night. No joke. My husband knows. Which honestly, is a norm for most first time teachers.
My tears were a mix of emotions.
Partly because I was new to teaching, but also because I was not being treated like a human being.
I would dread coming into work. It wasn’t just the Sunday Scaries, it was the Everyday Scaries.
My principal did not like me because I didn’t know what I was doing. I was new though – what new person ever knows what they are doing. She knew what goals I needed to reach, but she did not know how to effectively help me reach those goals. You can read more about this is a previous blog post titled “First Year.” My assistant principal did not like me because my team did not – she likes me now. I feel it’s because she finally saw a glimpse of my pain. She felt my pain when it hit home and her own child got an “adult” job. I was getting sick for days at a time because my stress and exhaustion hit an all time high. She came to me and offered assistance in hopes that if her child’s boss saw him go through the pain that I was, that he would step into help him just like she was doing for me. My mindset changed about her. I saw the heart change. Everything did not become perfect with her, but I knew she was on my team. My actual kindergarten team was not on my team though. They were not much help – actually they were far from helpful. I was mocked. I was belittled. I was tattled on. They would talk in meetings about how wonderful it would be to have a new, young teacher because they came with all new interests and ideas. Yet I was sitting right there in the room with them and they were defining me, but looking elsewhere. I was not what they wanted. To this day I am not sure why they treated me that way. My closest friends and family would tell me they are probably just jealous because I am young and happy or that they are so miserable with their life that they had to make mine miserable too.
And they succeeded unfortunately.
I would like to say that it eventually all stopped because they grew to appreciate me, but that is not true. It stopped for a bit once the pandemic hit during my second year.
Yes, my second year. I’ve basically never had a “normal” teaching year.
Year 1 – first year, so that’s far from normal.
Year 2 – pandemic hit like a hurricane in March so everything shut down for the year.
Year 3 – started out virtual. Half came face-to-face in March, but my class size was still only like 12 students vs. a normal 23. So we were all teaching hybrid.
Year 4 – I became the virtual kindergarten and first grade teacher for the year.
So crazy years all around.
Now back to the start of the pandemic…my second year.
Because we were basically all starting from ground zero, everyone was asking everyone for tips and tricks. No one knew how to teach kindergarteners online. In fact, we didn’t. Those last two months we only met with our classes weekly to have story time. Those were crazy times indeed. Honestly, it was a gift for me. I had a horrendous class. I truly cried about them, but also for them. The Thursday before the first day of school, I was informed I had no students on my roster and I would receive all the new students on the first day of school. My class that year showed. Other teachers (in first grade) would look at how my students behaved in the hall and commended me for still making it to work each day. They did not understand how I still showed up and worked. I didn’t either. It was solely for the kids. My heart truly went out to this class, but at the same time I felt so alone and beaten. After I kept getting sick, my assistant principal would pull out my 6 most difficult students and scatter them across the grade level – they knew who the students were. Even when I had a substitute, those same students were pulled out. Honestly, some kids (even grown adults) don’t blend well together, and when they were separated they did better, but not great. It was a trying year for sure.
Onto my third year, we started virtually. I was informed via email that I will have a co-teacher and my class will be the second co-taught special education, kindergarten class. Honestly, I was freaking out because I thought they were giving me a co-teacher to spy on me. My anxiety was a 10/10, but can you blame me with the history I had with this school. That co-teacher ended up being a 10/10, so all worked out. After virtual meet the teacher, I received a strongly worded email from my principal stating how she was going to put me on a “plan” unless I straightened up all because a parent wanted their child removed from my classroom. I had actually thought “meet the teacher” went well. LOL. Anyways, I bawled, cried to my husband, and called my mom, but made it a goal to improve – whatever that exactly meant in their eyes. My principal later emailed me that night and apologized for her email. We basically had little to no interaction the rest of the year – she retired after that year. For my portion of the lesson plans (English Language Arts), I was told the lessons were too challenging for their students, then when I made them easier they said they still weren’t good enough. So basically no matter what I planned, some would gossip to others, then I would get called in for my lessons, when I was literally following the pacing guide set by the school county. Plus, classes were like only 15 minutes long for the whole subject that day- it was rough. Basically, they just always had to complain and gossip about me.
During my fourth year, I almost didn’t have a job at that school. Not enough students enrolled due to COVID, so I was basically freaking out. Because we were still sort of in a pandemic still, virtual was an option. The NEW principal (she’s awesome – partially because she actually gives me a chance) gave every teacher the opportunity to be a virtual teacher. Seeing that I was unsure what my job would be, I offered to teach any grade virtually. I then became the kindergarten and first grade virtual teacher. My days were very busy. Rotating from teaching one grade to another was alot, but I thrived. Virtual truly was a wondrous thing for me. I will admit I am not the greatest at classroom management. My school expected me to yell or scowl at my students, and I refuse to do either. I have heard kinder teachers in my school yell at their students, and it scares me. Anyways, I later found out, some of the teachers would mock and say that my job is so easy and that I never work. Honestly, virtual is easier for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s easier. It is simply how I thrive. Plus, if they think it’s so cush, then why didn’t they offer to teach virtually? Exactly, they just want to gossip and complain! In October, I almost was forced to move schools within the district due to the numbers being low, but that is alot to explain. I was saved though and able to finish out my year at the school. Around this time, Kyle got a new job and I started moving my classroom supplies out (with my administrators approval). Other teachers wondered what I was doing, but it wasn’t until March that someone on my grade FINALLY asked me where I was moving, then a teacher in second grade did as well. I know they then went and told the rest of their posse, which honestly took me awhile to get over, but I did because I am simply tired of the gossip. And honestly at least it is finally out.
I’m now getting so exhausted just typing this because it literally seems ALL bad – and this isn’t even all of it. It did feel that way at many times, but what I did learn is this:
- Don’t let other people ruin your true character – do not stoop to their level or let it create a “mean” spirit within you.
- Remember your why. And my why was the kids. I long to impact children’s lives. Yes, I think I will go back to school for my master’s and go in a slightly different curve, but this set the groundwork for my why.
- Do not gossip just to gossip. It hurts, and it’s ugly.
- Find one or two (or if your fortunate more) work besties and help one another. Encourage one another through the hard days and rejoice in the easy days. I found forever friends at this school – despite the agony, and they truly made it a pinch easier.
- Give that first year teacher (or employee) a chance – we all start somewhere.
- Not every job will be your forever – stay for what seems right and learn and grow during that time. Don’t use that time to simply coast or ride out the wave. Get over it or dip under it. Do whatever you need to do to thrive in that season.
- It’s okay to have a bad day or a bad week – just remember new is around the corner. No one has perfect everydays.
If you have made it this far, you will see that my 4 years of teaching have been full of gossip, tears, hate, agony, but also full of some of the greatest lessons. I am finally thriving this year. Nothing in my situation has changed really. The people still act the same, and I think since I am locked away in my classroom all day virtually teaching I avoid most of it. What has changed most is me! I have pushed through. I did not have an “out,” so honestly I had to. In doing that, I did not let it crush me. I am not quitting teaching. I am not giving up on kids. I am simply learning and growing from my experiences. Monday, I will begin the final countdown at this school, and I am elated. That’s okay. It’s great to be excited to leave the bad, but with it I will remember the lessons it taught me. I came in a first year teacher, and I am leaving a soon to be fifth year teacher. What a journey these four years have been.
Erica Paige 