Today was one of those days that I thought was going to get the best of me.
It was one of those days that kept me continuously taking a deep breath.
One of those days where you just want to scream – those silent screams when it seems like everything is black and the world is frozen in time.
My students were getting to me, and I was not enough.
I couldn’t keep them quiet.
I couldn’t get them to listen.
I couldn’t get them to focus on a task for more than 5 minutes without losing someone’s attention to a stinking bean.
(a whole class reward system)
Their attitudes were beyond me.
No matter what I said I felt like I was losing today.
Just to get a few minutes to myself, I asked my class to clean out their desks.
Think back to your fourth grade years and you’ll probably remember your little pack rat self where you too were trying to save every little note or drawing.
“Do I need to keep this?”
“Was I supposed to glue this in somewhere?”
“Can I throw this away?”
While they were cleaning, I walked around the room to ensure nothing of value was being thrown away or that math test they didn’t want their adult to see.
While doing this, I noticed a small bracelet piece in one of my rather stubborn student’s desk that said “Life is tough, but I am tougher.” In that moment I just really wished that little girl would listen to what that bracelet said. I wished she would stop “fighting” me and let me guide her and teach her.
I wished she wouldn’t push me away so fast.
I wanted to be there for her and help her.
In that moment I felt like she just wasn’t listening. To anything.
She didn’t try. At least that’s how I felt.
It was on her.
As the day went on, nothing got easier. By the end of the day I had a migraine, and I was completely spent for the day. I had no brain power nor energy to do anything.
I drove home feeling hopeless and exhausted.
Then it hit me during my ten minute drive home.
That bracelet was for me.
It was for all of us.
Life is tough. It hits us smack in the face sometimes.
And we all go through these seasons where life hits us hard. Some seasons harder than others.
Sometimes it’s short term, and sometimes it seems like it’s never going to end.
I do not have an answer or a solution to this. I honestly don’t think there is a “solution” to it.
I know who I can trust when these seasons hit, but let’s be honest – that does not always make it easier or less manageable.
We are human.
We have our doubts.
We have our insecurities.
And sometimes we let those sink in a little too much.
I know I do for sure.
It’s honestly embarrassing how much I let my mind games win.
But in those moments I am at my weakest, I know He has me. I know I am taken care of. No, it honestly does not “fix” the “problem/s,” but it does give me hope. It gives me hope to believe in tomorrow. It gives me hope to know I have friends and family who care for me no matter what road I am on. It gives me hope to know I am here. I am living. I am a part of this thing called life.
Yes, life is tough.
It is hard.
It is potholed.
It is jerky.
It is bone-breaking.
It is honestly whatever unsettling surface you can think of.
But life is to be cherished. It was given to us. It was made for us to choose and it can teach you or it can break you.
No matter how many times I think it might break me.
No matter how many times I feel like I have reached my limit.
No matter how many times I want to give up and throw in the towel.
I will not let it break me.
I will not let death win over life.
Because in the end –
life is tough,
BUT
I am tougher.
Erica Paige 