Joy.

In my happiest days I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can fly. I feel like I have finally done it. I feel like I have found the answers and will remain happy, but that unfortunately does not last. The tears begin to fall and my sadness draws near.

When these “good” days do come, I try to focus my attention on those that make me want to sing and dance. Right now, that is baking. I recently discovered this because during the 2020 quarantine I baked something new almost every other day. I found liveliness in it. I found a satisfaction and a happiness I hadn’t seen in myself in awhile. It was something new to love. It took time and patience. 

I have always loved sweets, but it seemed that when I was baking, I did not always want to indulge afterwards in my delights, but luckily my husband always tastes my treats and gives me tips for next time. 

My moments of happiness have changed though. Throughout my life, as my depression fluctuates so do my desires. Depression causes your interests to change. I used to love watching sports with my dad, but I have since moved away and live television is not really my go to anymore, so that means not watching sports as much or really anything on television for that matter. In fact, when I do watch television, I watch the same shows over and over again – Harry Potter and The Office. I know exactly what is going to happen, so there will be no surprises. This also means, not going to games because there are just too many people and too many situations out of my control. Don’t get me wrong, I would still attend any sporting event, but it is just not my first choice anymore. There also is shopping. Now I LOVE shopping and always have, but I have found that I sometimes use shopping to cope with my anxieties and depression, and that can become dangerous.

People always say to do something that makes you happy, but what if what makes you happy continually changes? What if what made you happy a month ago does not make you happy anymore? My happiness is hard for me. It’s hard for me to find it. It’s hard for me to keep it. My emotions seem so unstable at times that when I finally reach a point of happiness I am not sure what I need to do to keep that happiness. Or if it will even stay with me long enough for me to figure it out. Happiness seems to quickly fade for me, but isn’t that what happiness is? It is just a state of being. It is an emotion – just like sadness and anger. It is not permanent and it is more easily reached than joy. That is what I should be seeking. 

I thought the secret to “fixing” myself was finding my happiness, but turns out it is seeking joy.

It’s seeking joy even when all I want to do is cry.

It’s seeking joy even when the world around me is crumbling.

It’s seeking joy even when I do not feel like moving.

It’s seeking joy even when it seems like everyone around me has found it except for me. Joy is cultivated internally. No one can make me feel joy. That is happiness. 

I thought what I needed was happiness – to simply feel moments of bliss and wonder, but happiness is fleeting. It is based on surroundings, people, and situations. Joy is what I should have been seeking from the beginning. It is what I am seeking now. I will fill my home with joy – with His joy. With a joy greater than myself. Joy does not just come from oneself. It comes from something more powerful – someone all knowing. God is our true joy. No matter how hard I try to find my happiness I just can’t make it stay, but in those moments that I feel joy I know He is with me. I know He is working through me to show me that despite my depression, I can still find joy.

I can still be joyful.