Why Me?

Some days words fail me. I cannot cohesively write or think. All I am left with is questions. Questions filled with why. Why me. Why this. 

Have you ever wondered why me? Why did this have to happen? Why am I like this? I am sure many of us have in some form or fashion. For me, it’s why was I created depressed? Why be born only to live in suffering?  I thought I was a happy child, but as I think back I remember all the times I longed to disappear. Through my pain and my tears, all I wanted to do was float away and never return. 

As an adult, I sometimes feel so lost that no words can solve my problem. So lost that all I can do is cry. So lost that no person can make my pain go away. This is a feeling I wish upon no one. It is painful. It is in these moments that I grieve for something better. I grieve for something that can take away this pain. 

In these moments, I try to turn to God. It doesn’t always happen perfectly. Sometimes I question everything. Other times, I lean on Him. 

I read a verse the other day. It was one that I have heard many times before, but this time it just hit different. 

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup of agony away from me. But no matter what, your will must be mine.” Luke 22:42

This verse takes place in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was about to be betrayed by one of his own disciples and hung on the cross for us. Jesus was still man though, so this was not an easy task. He was torn and he struggled knowing what he was about to go through. 

Many times I struggle knowing my own pain and insecurities. They aren’t always easy for me to deal with, and I constantly wonder, why me? Why is this something I have go through? What is the lesson, if there even is one? In life we will go through trials, but God is with us always. He will guide our every steps. 

After reading more into this scripture, I found that this garden was an olive mill – a place where olives are crushed to make oil. This is symbolic of Jesus having his fleshly desires crushed so He would find the strength to do God’s will.

Sometimes our earthly desires our crushed. We don’t always have the answers, but it is through those times we are to lean on God’s Word. It is when I feel broken and destroyed that I cling to the Father. When I am so overwhelmed, I turn to Him. 

Sometimes, no, I don’t always want to cling to Him because truth be told I don’t understand why pain happens fully, but I know that in that pain He is with me. Through my depression, He is with me. When I am crushed in spirit, He still walks beside me. 

Some days I feel nothing. I feel alone, and I feel broken. I feel like everyone has left me. It is in my abandonment I find Him closer. He’s still with me, even when I may not feel Him. He restores my mind and calms my spirit. 

I may not know all the answers, but I know who carries me through my pain and brings me joy. The questions will still come, but it is through Him I find my peace.