Just When.

Just when I thought my depression was gone it all comes back. 

The tears come flooding in. The pain fills my soul. My body screams in agony. It aches, and as much as I try I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I cannot stop the ache in my bones. My skin feels like it’s deteriorating, and I am left exposed. I am left with an open wound. The pain encompasses my entire being. My mind is moving in a million different directions, yet it feels frozen all at the same time. My heart is beating like the drums at a rock concert. My head cannot stop pounding, and all I want is for it all to go away. All I want is to float away and feel nothing. All I want is for the tears to dissolve and the river to dry up. And after what feels like an eternity, they eventually do. It eventually all stops, and what I’m left with is a migraine, confusion, and a room full of tissues. 

So what then? What do I do when my emotions have enveloped my entire being and I feel left with nothing? What do I do when I have no answers? What do I do when I don’t even have the words to tell my husband how I am feeling and what he can do to help? 

I feel empty. I feel nothing. Just worthless and alone. 

But I am never alone. Even in my darkest times, He is with me. He is holding me and wrapping me in His arms. Some days I feel Him. I feel His presence. I feel His warmth, but some days I feel empty. Some days the depression feels so impenetrable that nothing else can withstand it. Nothing can overpower it. Some days it all seems hopeless. I don’t want to be like this forever, but what if this is my forever? What if this is all I am left with? 

This cannot be the end. 

This cannot be my full story. 

Why would I have been created if this was it? God does not make mistakes, so why would I be this way? And that, that I do not have an answer for. I am not sure there even is an answer, but what I so know is this. 

Just when it all seems hopeless, I am reminded that I am still loved. I am reminded that I was created for a purpose. I am reminded that this is not my forever. So just when you feel this is the end, remember that this is just the beginning. The beginning of your healing. The beginning of your hope. The beginning of your joy.